I remember as a kid my mum telling me she had been bitten by "The Black Dog". My dad would give her a cuddle and over time my mum would seem brighter and happier. As a child this confused me as I had seen no black dog our dog was a sable colour?
Having been bitten by a dog I knew that it hurt and you cried, yet mum had no wound or bandage or even a plaster?, I knew that you were wary of dogs (or at least I was in those days) yet mum seemed fine with them and she never had a scar?
so what had happened?
Now 30 plus years on I understand, as right now I too have been bitten, my wounds are all internal and I am wary of the world and my own intense emotions.
I have gone through this in the past, after having my children, my dad dying, moving countries and being diagnosed with Lupus. I have always moved forward, been strong enough to break through the veil of darkness and keep marching, so why is this time different?.
So many questions I can't answer, another reason why feel like I am lost and have been swallowed by "the black Dog"
I have tried over the past while to stay positive, surround myself with positive affirmations, do exercise, smile, read, the list is endless but still I feel the teeth inside biting and dragging me back down.
"Make friends, be sociable, join a group" is a few of the suggestions close family have made, these are things I have told clients myself, the standard protocol for someone feeling like me.
Well I am learning that as with everything in life, one size does not fit all.
Positive proposals from others only seem to highlight how inadequate you already feel, making you sink deeper and deeper into the darkness which in the end becomes security in the most macabre way.
Today my dog is 10 feet tall and 6 feet wide, I accept that its just a bad day and that tomorrow could be completely different.
I have finally accepted today that feeling like this does not make me a failure, weak, miserable or negative.
I realise that my nature is not to complain or off load onto others it's just a coping mechanism that I am using to survive this day.
I realise there are many situations that have happened over the last year that have brought about this trigger and that stress only highlights the problem as does ill health and my tiredness, yet I am having to learn to be less of a perfectionist to myself.
I am learning to be kind and understanding to me just like I would be to a friend, family member or client.
I know some people reading this will think its a load of rubbish, some will see it as self indulgent and others wont even bother to read the whole thing.
But if only one person reads this, identifies with it and realistes that they are not alone, then this day has not been a "bad" day